Day 11: The Day Someone Sneezed Four Times

4/16/2020 (Permalink)

Day 11 They had to come inside. Outside the front door they stood, clutching a check and looking earnest, kind even. Under normal circumstances, they could turn the door handle and walk right inside. But in the Covid-19 world, I had to unlock the deadbolt myself. Through the glass door I made eye contact – they appeared ok so I turned the key. The check was surrendered without issue, and then they did something unconscionable. It was beyond belief. They sneezed. Not just once, but four times. (In case you can’t picture it: “Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!”) Two months ago, I probably would have said, ‘Bless you’ (I actually do not know why I say this), offered a tissue and forgotten about the incident. Today however... I wanted to channel my inner Hulk and heave them through the glass window that I had just looked through and decided they were ok. I thought horrible thoughts about their character, I made judgments about their values and sense and I contemplated giving them their check back. (I quickly got over the last part and made the deposit with ease.) As a sneezer myself, I realize my life will probably never be back to normal. I have tried to hold a sneeze in, but the inner forces always win and somehow create what is now considered a disgusting hand. I suppose I could sneeze in my mask but that seems potentially messy too. I get it, I do not want to be around us sneezers either – sneeze at home, weirdo! Anyway, on the bright side, you can still bring your sneeze-riddled checks to the office but you just have to put it under the front mat while we stare at you from the glass window, in a non-judgmental way of course. If you need a tissue, just ask: We will crack the door enough to offer you one, just try not to touch the box. Or sneeze. --Jeremy George